Appointments galore..

Well finally have fucked up my life so much I have to see a nurse and a doctor... Not to mention mental health ones. Better make the attempts to end my shitty life 9 now. Cool. I can't even stay in a crowded room for more than 5 minutes without freaking out and leaving. There goes any chance of me wanting to go to church more often :/ why am I such a failure. Why can't I just end my life already I don't understand. I'm failing NCEA and I'm failing my life and I'm just a failure :( I want to stand on a bridge and just jump. Or take off my shoes and just walk into the ocean. I feel like I am in a tank with so many people in it and they all have snorkels and I don't so they are all swimming just fine while I'm in there drowning. I don't understand life anymore. 

This appointment I have the main one of the week is with a nurse then a doctor I don't wanna go to it just in case I say something like I wanna die and I have planned out my suicide attempt or my last suicide attempt was Friday... I don't want to be open about everything... I know I have to because I am getting worse and worse every week. But i don't feel comfortable doing it... I don't wanna go alone but I don't want to drag anyone else into it. Fuck. 

Also have to see my dean. Again. Fuck. 

Just kill me already. Release me from all this shit. Let me be free from my shitty life. 

Not even this cup of tea is calming me down :( fuck... I'm just done. Over it. 

Bible verses

Mathew 6:33

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

1 Peter 5:7

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

Isaiah 41:10

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Psalm 34:18

"The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saved those who are crushed in sprit"

Deuteronomy 31:8

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

Job 36:15

"But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction."

Psalm 55:22

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken."

A Realisation

People always ask me 'how I am today' I lie every time. It doesn't matter who it is I just lie about it the problem is I have lied about it so much I am starting to believe my lies and this what feels never ending darkness is starting to feel comforting. Walking out of situations I am placed in is becoming a norm and that is worrying because not only in my thoughts becoming the 'norm' so is my bad habits like drinking.... I am only 15 I shouldn't be out drinking I should be enjoying life... all my habits are getting worse.


I don't hangout with my friend group any more because I have this strange feeling that they all don't like me and I don't like sitting with them much any more any way because they are very rude and just quite mean about what they say and I am sure they don't mean it but some things that say can really hurt me.. but I don't want to tell them so I just thought I might just not sit with them any more... they wont miss me so no one really loses plus one of the girl really hates me and I don't know what I did she just glares at me most of the time which really brings up my anxiety levels.


So I have permanently made myself a library nerd. The library is a magical place full of different opportunities with every book and a new life with every page some make you laugh and some make you cry some really suck and others are just amazing plus books don't put you down like people do and books can't leave you like people can.


I don't like lying to people about my feelings but I guess it just happens... I wish I could rewind my life. I want to stop things that have happened and what could have happened.

Maybe one day I will be happy like everyone else. This generation is the saddest generation and we haven't even had a World War or anything drastic like that it is just all the shit teenagers get from social media and the way sexual assault has increased and people are getting worse and worse each day.

If I am still around and have kids I hope the world has changed because I don't want to have to bring up kids in a world like that....

Maybe it was just meant to be... this world is a horrible place I am still trying to come to terms that I have been alive for 15 years and counting... but 3 of those 15 years I have been trying to end it.... maybe that is how my life will end my ending it..I have seen alot in my 15 year and there is a lot that I can't un see and that it the stuff that brings me down....

Maybe my happiness is beyond where I am looking... I just need to find someone to show me the happiness in life... If only I could find them.. soon.

Am I still living?

Suicide attempts now reaching 7.

Days clean at 0

Losing friends by the truck load.

Crumbling under the pressure at school.

No one notices.

Anxiety is increasing.

Walking away from situations.


I told my youth group leader everything. Now I feel bad.

I keep seeing this vision thing of people I know all bowing down to God and I am left standing screaming out to him "WHY ME" and Jesus just ignoring me walking past. I feel like I am trying to open my heart to Jesus but he just doesn't care.


I want this pain to end. I feel like I am drowning while everyone else is swimming freely. I feel this emptiness consume me while all my so called 'friends' get brighter.


I am Blinded by the darkness around me wondering how did I end up in this situation so alone so afraid and so jumpy over everything.

I want everything to end.


things are getting bad again.

I want it all to end.

Focus.. What's that?

I have a huge problem I can not focus anymore. I used to love to read books but I just can't focus on the words anymore it is like the words are running around my head and I hurts so I stop. Why can't I read books anymore this isn't fair the one thing I loved to do I just can't read anymore... Why can't I have a normal brain I really need to talk to my doctor about this maybe my doctor might be able to tell me what's happening =/  looks like audiobooks for a bit 

Anyways I am going away for the weekend before I go back to hell 

Countdown to school 11 days 

Living in Hell

It is my mums job to make my life a living hell I swear she cares more about the cat than she does about me! She uses me as a personal slave, if I tell her to leave me alone I need to calm down all she does is invade my personal space that I have clearly said I need time and she just keeps on going on about how I don't respect her and that I keep walking away from situations what she doesn't realise is that I walk away from situations that I will find stressful and or too much to handle. All my parents do is yell at me it is like I can't get away from all the yelling.. I don't think they even realise the pain it is doing to me all the yelling that goes on in this house... I have a doctors appointment on Monday to talk about my fucking annoying knee and my sleeping patterns and I might have to bring up my roller-coaster moods and my short attention span and my easy to anger moods I can flip in the change of a second and when I get sad I can be upset for long periods of time.... argh why is my body so fucking screwed up! Why can't I have a normal body and normal emotions! Why can't I be a better me?! What is missing for me to become a better me!

Why have I let myself get this bad :/

I am such a failure.

I did it?

I asked for help... kinda I told my mum after so long of suffering I need to see a doctor but I haven't told her the full reason why I wanted to go she just thinks it is because of my knee and sleeping patterns and yes I am going about those things but I am also going because my moods are getting worse and no they are not your normal teenage moods, they can be like I can be feeling amazing one minute and then fucking horrible the next to being like this for 5-7 days I believe I have hid this well from my parents because I didn't want to put more stress on them but I am now basically at breaking point I can't handle this.

When people say they hear voices I wonder if they are like mine because all I can here in my head is my very own voice telling me on how much of a worthless piece of crap I am and how I should give up.

I don't even know when I am going to the doctors and I am already nervous because what if she finds nothing wrong with me what if it was all for nothing... what if I am all for nothing.. fuck it....

I just need to relax and get better music on my iPod I am getting sick of my music hopefully I can get a good response from the Doctor....

We shall find out then....

=)